June 2009
389 posts
Cartman: All this talk about future selves has made me think, maybe I should take better care of myself. I mean, maybe I should think about who I'm going to become.
Future Cartman: Atta boy, Eric. You've made the right choice.
Cartman: Who the hell are you?
Future Cartman: [laughs] It's me, Cartman! You from the future. I came back to tell you that this is the day you turn it all around. You stop eating junk food and you start studying harder, you stay away from drugs and alcohol and you become CEO of your own time-travel company!
Cartman: Oh wow, really? That's so awesome! Now I'll really work to be successful!
Future Cartman: Right on!
Cartman: [angry] Go have sex with yourself, asshole! I'm not that stupid! Just for that, I'm gonna spend my whole childhood eating what I want, and doin' drugs when I want! Whatever! I'll do what I want! [leaves]
Future Cartman: No, wait! [turns into fat plumber] Oh, God dammit!
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Butters: [in Prof. Chaos outfit] Now you know my terrible secret!
Stan: You're gay? It's fine if you're gay, Butters. I don't care.
Butters: Huh? No, I'm Professor Chaos, Stan.
Stan: But we have to teach our parents a lesson, Butters! We're running away! Help me find the perfect place to run away to! [walks away]
Butters: Maybe I used a little too much silver.
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Stan: How much is this going to cost us?
Cartman: $18,000. [Stan looks angry] How about just 387 easy payments of $199.95? [Stan looks angry] How about $5?
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Cartman: Now, I want you to take a look at some of these poop swatches.
Butters: Poo...p-poop swatches?
Cartman: Poop comes in a lot of varieties, Butters. I want to find the perfect one, tailored to your revenge on your parents.
“I’m going to tell him that I dropped out of school and went to prison for...”
– Future Kevin.
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“Yeah, Stan, why don’t you go upstairs and play with yourself?”
– Randy.
Sharon: Stan, your not being very nice to your future self.
Randy: Yeah Stan, don't be so hard on yourself.
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Stan: Dude, how long has your future self been around?
Butters: Oh, I guess it's been around four months now.
Stan: Four months? And you never told anybody that you were living with yourself in the future?
Butters: Nobody asked.
Cartman: Wait, Stan becomes this douchebag?
Future Stan: Yeah, I spent a lot of my teenage years on a slow downward spiral experimenting with drugs and alcohol. [Cartman laughs]
Stan: Shut up, Cartman!
Cartman: That is so awesome! Thank you God! Oh praise God!
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Kyle: Hey. What happens to me in the future?
Future Stan: I guess you guys stayed away from drugs so you're ok. I just lost touch with you guys after I was sent to Juvie Hall in 2006.
Cartman: JUVIE HALL! AHAHA! STAN'S A LOSER! STAN'S A LOSER! AHAHAHAHAHA!
Future Stan: Whoa. Kyle and Cartman, it's so cool to see you guys.
Cartman: Who's this asshole?
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Token: None of us had ever had any drugs before.
Jimmy: Well, I did Ecstacy once. Me and my girlfriend took it and we stayed up all night having sex.
Kyle: Where did you have sex with her?
Jimmy: In her va-vagina. Thank you, thank you. What a terrific audience.
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Kyle: What if the residue gets on my hands and leads to harder drugs, like the commercials say.
Craig: Yeah, the one where it says if you smoke pot you could become a terrorist?
“It’s just a stupid plant that makes you dumb, touching it won’t hurt...”
– Stan.
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“We’re you family too, Napoleon. We’re like you. When we look at you...”
– Man With Terrible Skin Condition.
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Vanity: Whatever. I helped in a drive-by shooting.
Cartman: Whatever. I digitally put Jabba the Hutt back into the original Star Wars movie! I'll do what I want!
Maury Povich: Wow, that is out of control!
Vanity: Oh, whatever. You ain't tough, ho! I roam with gangs!
Cartman: Oh yeah? I roam with 12 gangs! And we only commit hate crimes! Whatever! I'll do what I want!
Maury Povich: Vanessa, what does Vanity say to you when you tell her to do her homework?
Vanessa: [crying] She says she hates me. She, she calls me "retard". And, she says my cooch is all dried up and nobody wants it.
Maury Povich: Ms. Cartman, what does your son like to do?
Liane: Ooh, he loves playing with his Clyde Frog and Wellington Bear.
Cartman: [whispering] Mom, we're pretending, remember? Sex and drugs.
Liane: [to Maury] Oh, I mean sex and drugs.
“Maury, I am out of control! Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I want, bitch!...”
– Cartman.
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Maury Povich: What names do they call you at school?
Butters: Well, uh, I guess they call me uh, Chinball Boy, and uh, Ballchin Boy, and when I, when I'm walkin' they'll say, "Hey, there goes Chinballs!"
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Man with Foot on Head: Yeah, Lobster Boy used to make appearances on all the talk shows. He was one of the most popular disfigured people on TV.
Disfigured Country Singer: But then we all found out that Lobster Boy wasn't a real freak at all. He was just an actual lobster.
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“Today on the Maury Povich show, these poor unfortunate people all have horrible...”
– Commentator.